


Pick Your Poison

by irismon



Category: The Yogscast
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Demons, Hell (setting), Originally Posted on Tumblr, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-21 22:16:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3706117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irismon/pseuds/irismon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There aren't a lot of coffee shops in hell, but the one that they have is well worth the price.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pick Your Poison

In the entirety of hell, there was only one cafe.

That was one more than was to be expected, honestly, and despite all expectations (this was hell, after all) it served pretty good coffee and even better tea. The scones left something to be desired, but it’s hard to find a truly good scone in a coffee shop to begin with, so this was hardly a disappointment. It was located the perfect distance from Lucifer’s offices: close enough for it to be a short trip on foot, and far enough that you could justify the flight over if you had the wings and felt like indulging yourself. The windows also had a perfect view of the torture pits, so you could sit and drink your poison of choice while watching the souls of the damned burn in eternal agony forever. But it was well agreed upon in many office break rooms that while all of these things made it a very fine cafe indeed, what made it really worth forgoing the trip to the mortal world was the owner and proprietor.

Her name was Nanosounds. There were several rumors about her: that she was a former mistress of Satan himself who had tricked him into releasing her from his service; that she was a fallen angel who had once been so beautiful that God himself had modeled Eve in her image; that she was a succubus who had retired after collecting a castle full of cultists to worship her and absorbing their souls one by one. No one knew the truth, except perhaps for Nano herself, and since the gossip only fueled the steady stream of customers to her cafe she certainly wasn’t telling. Still, she had plenty of admirers from all levels of Hell’s pecking order, although there were three in particular that were her favorite.

Nano smiled to herself as she heard the bell chime, accompanied by three voices raised in loud but friendly bickering. She turned and leaned her elbows on the counter, propping her head in her hands. “Well if it isn’t the three musketeers. Not here to break my windows, are you?”

The three of them stopped talking and looked at her. They were an unusual group, as demons go: most of the time demons only made allies within their own kind, but these three came from three different classes of demons but were somehow thick as thieves. Trottimus was the lowest ranking of all of them, a lesser demon who couldn’t hold a human form, instead looking like someone had stuck leg bones in a walrus and told it to walk. Alsmiffy came from a slightly better stock, a shapeshifting incubus whose prefered form was bright green and barely humanoid. Ross seemed almost human at first glance, until you noticed the forked tail peeking out of his trousers that marked him as one of the more powerful devils. All three of them went sheepish under her gaze, shuffling their feet back and forth and chuckling to themselves.

“Heard about that, did you?” Alsmiffy asked, grinning at her and trying to hide his nerves by dialing up his incubus charm. Nano grinned back at him, bearing her canines and swatting his spell out of the air.

“I’ve got quite a few connections, but I’d love to hear the story straight from the three of you. Why don’t you tell me about it over my break?” Ross opened his mouth to argue, but Smiffy and Trott both elbowed him in the side. Trott gave him a curt whisper of warning and Ross closed his mouth again.

“Lalna!” Nano shouted. A wisp appeared behind the counter next to her, growing larger and brighter until the spirit of a young man dressed in the cafe uniform stood next to her, nearly opaque. “I’m taking my break. Make Trott, Ross, and Smiffy their usuals and put it on their tab.” Lalna nodded and faded slightly as the coffee machines began to work on their own. It’d taken a lot of bargaining to find a poltergeist to work the counter, but it had been worth it.

She shucked off her apron and it exploded into flames, dissolving into a burst of smoke. Nano hopped on top of the counter and held out her hands, which Ross and Trott grabbed to help her down. She dragged them over to one of the corner booths, Smiffy following behind them. “Now, I want to hear all about how you broke Lucifer’s windows, starting from the beginning.”


End file.
